Broken Sleep and Birth Plan

I heard myself moaning about broken sleep (I go to the bathroom a few times during the night and if I'm not quick enough, she wakes up and thinks it's play time) and it suddenly dawned on me that soon, broken sleep is the only thing I'll know. I was awake for over an hour in the early hours of this morning as the bambino hiccuped, then stretched, then kicked and punched for a while. I adjusted position to a half lying, half sitting position and just as it seemed like she was finally settling down and I started to doze off, the kicking started up again.

I had my last NCT (National Childbirth Trust) antenatal class yesterday with the boyf and it really answered a lot of questions for us although I will admit that I am a little bit antsy about 1) the size of the epidural needle, 2) tearing and episotomy's (shudder) 3) breast milk shooting out during sex and 4) stitches. The trouble with me is that I soak up information and get visual and I feel slightly traumatised. Off course the boyf was pissing himself laughing, except for the bit where the milk comes shooting out, but that's because he doesn't have to endure any of the other things.

I'm not keen on hospitals. I spent 4 weeks in a children's ward when I was 5 years old because I had to have a birthmark skin graphed because they believed it had the potential to become cancerous. There was no record of my type of birthmark and they had concerns about it spreading all over my body. I thought it was the opportunity to go to a holiday camp type atmosphere but hated it within 24 hours. The whole experience stayed with me for a long time, mostly because I became a shadow of my former self and my young brain comprehended that all of the children were seriously ill in my ward and that when they left the hospital it's because they were better...or they died.

Since then I've been in hospital a few times for bumps and scrapes, plus I had a laporoscopy 8 years ago and then spent the past 3 years having blood tests, chest xrays, breathing tests and various examinations because of my sarcoidosis. I still haven't forgiven the nurse for flipping me over and giving me a suppository at my laporoscopy (imagine major drugged out hissy fit where I accused the nurse of violating me) but I have become a bit more chilled about hospitals especially because I was generally taken care of very well over the past few years.

I now have to practice having happy thoughts about the hospital and I'm going to write a birth plan so that I have some control over what is taking place around me. I'm not going to dictatorial but by pre-empting certain things by mentioning my low blood pressure (this can be an issue sometimes with epidural), not wanting to be in the lying down as this is a major cause of tearing, minimising tearing and the possibility of an episiotomy, wanting to use the birthing pool to help with pain relief and ensuring that if I do need stitches that there are no delays doing them (apparently when there are delays this is what can cause problems) etc, I will feel comfortable about my needs being communicated from the outset, especially since I may not be 'functional' after a while. The boyf knows what I want but laying it out in black and white will prevent confusion!

I found out yesterday that the nipple has more than one hole that breast milk comes out of! I wasn't the only one who thought they were like bottle teets thankfully....

Maybe a routine isn't such a bad thing

I dragged myself into Soho today for lunch with the girls and followed it up with a two hour stint at the office doing my handovers for my clients and agencies. It was weird being back even though I've only been gone for two weeks and already I already feel so distant from the dramas of publishing. I have no desire to be a desperate housewife, but I've discovered that I'm not averse to not having to be at work every day. I am frickin knackered after dragging myself and the bump on the train and the tube and feel like I need an early night!

I spoke with a friend last night who told me about mutual friends who have been using The New Contented Little Baby Book. They have had great results and as well as having healthy, happy babies that sleep, they also have freedom in their lives. To be honest, I had read about a third of the book and then became nervous as everything seemed so overwhelming - routine feeds, waking, putting down for a nap and I just don't think my mush brain could cope with it at that point. But I spent some time with a good friend and her 2 month old and much as I adore him, he needs to be held a hell of a lot, including when he's napping and is won't sleep in his cot and sleeps during the day but not at night. It suddenly occured to me that having a go at following the routines in the book wasn't such a bad idea because the thought of breast all day long made me feel tired before I've even started!

The other reason is that I will be monitored closesly for the few months after the birth due to my previous battles with sarcoidosis. Your immune system takes a big dip about two or three months after the birth and I have an immune system disease, albeit in remission. My plan is to continue my acupuncture and to do my best to maintain my immune system but that could all go tits up if I'm sleep depraved and not eating properly, and I need to be as fit and able as I can be for the bambino. I don't want to be sick again, especially when the bambino will need me most, so whilst it's never plain sailing with any newborn, trying to establish good routines for us both from as early as possible sounds like a damn good idea.

I found myself buying vests and mittens for the bambino in John Lewis and decided to give in a buy nipple cream and was horrified to discover that it the best part of £10! Flipping daylight robbery! I'm telling you right now - I better not feel so much as a frigging twinge in my nipples!

The health visitor came to visit me at the flat today. I had no idea that they come around and introduce themselves whilst overloading your brain with information. Apparently your not supposed to use fleece blankets or the sheepskin covers that go on pushchairs and prams until babies are a year old due to overheating. That's two items to come off the baby shower list...

I've got my NCT (National Childbirth Trust) antenal class tomorrow. These are private classes that you shell out for, as opposed to the NHS ones that you get for free. It's a 2 day intensive course - 5 hours tomorrow and another 5 hours next week. The boyf is in Israel for the first one, so his mum is coming with me. I wisecracked to her that people may think that we're a couple. It was only while we were laughing that I realised that I had just cracked a lesbian joke at his mum.... Hmmmm....

I'm getting used to being at home now after almost 2 weeks of being signed off by the doc. I thought that I would escape being pregnant in the summer heat but there's been a bit of a heat wave for the past few days and I've been driving the boyf demented as I struggle with feeling clammy, lumpy, hot, bothered and incapable of keeping still in the bed. He gets to escape it for a few days now as he is going to Israel tonight for work until Thurs/Fri. Before he left, he pulled the cover back and warned the bambino that she wasn't to get any ideas about trying to turn up whilst he's away. This is the first time he's had to go away for a while so he is suffering from early labour fear. I phoned him at work earlier and I thought he was being off with me. I asked him if something was wrong and he told me he had thought I was calling to say I was in labour.... I realise that I will have to put up with this from all and sundry till the baby arrives.

I brought an electric breast pump on Saturday for 85 fecking squids (English pounds for anyone not in the know)! Jaysus! It's an AVENT Isis iQ uno breast pump. My mum was horrified when I told her (I hadn't even told her what it cost...) and started waffling about breast feeding back in her day. "If I have to remind you yet again that this is not frigging 1977, I won't be responsible for what I do!" I warned. I have spoken to enough people to know that breast feeding is not the piece of piss that our mothers make it out to be and that manual pumps have stressed my friends out even more, causing many of them to give up on breastfeeding. On top of this, I want the boyf to be part of the feeding process so that he can at least give the bambino one bottle each day. My mum doesn't get that either...

Have I mentioned that I live in fear of what it will be like when the baby arrives and I have to court opinion on my mothering skills? Bad enough now where every decision I make has to be questioned the arse out of! Mothers...jaysus and I'm going to be one myself soon...

The baby shower is this Sunday and no doubt some sort of controversy will unfold with that too. Fortunately I still have a good sense of humour and an ability to tune out when necessary.... I'm being asked about decorations and food and I keep giving vague answers. I thought this was already organised! I'm going to end up like a toddler lying on the floor screaming my head off and refusing to move at this rate....

The house move has progressed about a quarter of an inch since I last updated this blog... Seemingly we will very likely be moving two weeks before the bambino is due. I'm vowing not to move again but obviously I'm talking out of my arse....